sure maybe i’m just fucking bitching. maybe i’m being selfish or fucking clingy. but how am I suppose to fuckin know when I am the only one who knows about what I am going through? I haven’t told anyone this and all I’ve been doing is fucking holding all this pain inside of me which has been the main cause probably of me being depressed. I’m tired of having plans rubbed in my face all the time and seeing pictures and statuses or conversations on twitter. I’m tired of crying or when i’m not crying I instantly get depressed. I feel completely replaced and completely invisible or irrelevant to you. Every weekend now I just stay in my pajamas and don’t shower. As I am about to type this I can only just start crying even harder because I’m sick of not feeling included or important or good enough. You’ve found someone better to hang out with and more fun to hang out with than I am because maybe its just cause im depressed and boring or maybe its because im just me. I dont know what my problem is or what it is or why. All I know is theres some reason why its me that you dont ask to come with you. It hurts when you know all you’ve ever wanted was to have plans with someone just about every weekend and now that you’ve met someone you can hang out with every weekend it’s whatever. I wish you’d think of me. I wish you’d invite me. But you don’t. and I know you won’t. right now my lip is just trembling trying to choke back these tears. I feel replaced. I’m only important and everything when you need to talk to me. I DONT want to feel like that friend that is only for talking to and not hanging out with. I dont want to hear these stories anymore because its just a reminder I wasn’t part of it. I hate that you think your oh so cool now and everything because you get shitfaced every weekend. I don’t understand why I can’t be invited to come with you because it’s nice to go out once in awhile. It makes me feel like shit. I start insulting myself. thinking bad thoughts. sometimes I wonder if its worth it holding on anymore because I am alwayss feeling this way. sometimes I feel like you ignore that text message just so you can check if theres “anything BETTER going on” than making boring  fucking plans with me. I am boring. has it ever occured to you that maybe I want to have a good time and a fun night out too? don’t make excuses. you just dont think of me. funny how I always think of you but you “already made plans” oh, sorry I cant. don’t feel sorry for me. its fine. whatever. I dont even know where I am going with this right now. To me it just feels like you think your cool now and “so popular”. well shut up. I dont want to hear about it because it makes me feel alone. I don’t have  any other friends besides what? 3 people. but all I know is that all I want to do is have fun with you because we never hang out anymore. We’re seniors I want to have those memories before we graduate. I’m always having the fight with myself if i should spill out how i feel but I don’t have the heart to be that bitch. oh. just a single tear fell. well. I feel like this new girl is just good for  getting shit faced with and i’m not good for hanging out and having a good time with. IT HURTS so much I can’t even describe it. it kinda feels weird because I don’t know if everyone or anyone feels this way. I haven’t taken pictures with you in ages or hung out with you by myself to do something fun. and we’ve never done something where we’ve gone out really late at night and shit. yup. I’m jealous. I’ll pretend I don’t feel anything and just act like everythings fine and wear that fake smile. I will continue to cry and be depressed and even more depressed that I’m currently failing , literally failing all my classes right now and may end up getting no credit and having an even harder time getting into college because of that. I constantly feel like a failure. and maybe even more so because I feel like im a failure now as a friend because I’m not good enough. you’ll be oblivious to how I feel and you probably don’t even know that I’m even talking about you. So until you figure it out I guess I won’t bring it up. I won’t ask to hang out with you because its rare anyway that you ask me and then it shows you really don’t miss me becaause you’re just having a good old time with your new found best friend. So continue having fun and getting shit faced every weekend without me and all those parties every weekend you had an oppertunity to invite me but you won’t unless your best friend can go…so whatever. I’m replaceable. I’m only good for talking to and nothing else. I’m a peice of shit. It’s whatever. the classic line “its fine, I’m fine really” yup. okay. The sun is setting and you two will have a great time tonight. whatever. I don’t care anymore. - another lie. I’m so done and I hate my life so much sometimes I wish I could end it all but I can’t go through with it. Hopefully one of three things will happen, I get the nerve to speak up, you change things, or you say something to me. The chance those will happen? doubtful. highly doubtful. I’ve had enough but I’ll just continue to bottle up this pain. k. bye.  

Have you ever loved somebody so bad, it makes you cry? Have you ever needed somethin so bad you can’t sleep at night?  Have you ever tried to find the words, but they don’t come out right? Have you ever been in love, so bad, you’d do anything to make them understand. Have you ever looked at someone and felt you were weak at the knees? Have you ever had someone steal your heart away, you’d give anything to make them feel the same. Have you ever search for words to get you into their heart but you dont know what to say, and you don’t know where to start. Have you ever found the one you’ve dreamed of all your life you’d do just about anything to look into their eyes. Have you finally found the one you’ve given your heart to? only to find that one won’t give their heart to you. Have you ever closed your eyes and dreamed that they were there. All you can do is wait for the day until they will care. All I think about is what I can do to get you into my arms, what I have to say or do to reach into your heart. I have to make you understand how bad I need you next to me. I need you in my life, because baby I just can’t sleep. If you ever saw these tears I cry you’d see how you make me weak. I have to know that I’m the only one and that you’re mine to keep. please make me yours, so I can finally get some sleep.

Have you ever been in love?

It REALLY bothers me when I am the one who is reading people’s statuses or tweets saying who their with and what they’re all doing together or tweeting about new inside jokes or things that happen when theyre all together; when I’m just sitting home all by myself. Bored. Alone. And the funny thing is that I’ve tried making plans I’ve called the people I hang out with and they’re all just busy or with someone else. I hate how the people that I see the statuses from know that I was available and they didn’t think of me or bother to invite me. I hate being the girl thats always home and not doing something fun. I’m increadibly envious of the girls that I know that have plans every single night. I get so jealous of the girls that have friends calling them constantly because they want to hang out with them and have multiple people calling them so they never get bored. In my life…that has only happened not multiple times..but once. It makes me feel terrible inside. Tonight I got ditched. I’m just tired of being home and bored I almost feel like I could cry right here. right now. Because I want so badly to be the girl whose phone never stopped ringing and telling people sorry I already promised 4 other people I’d hang out with them tonight. Am I the only one who constantly feels excluded without technically being excluded? If that makes any sense at all. I’m tired of people saying ‘sorry’ for having plans. Whats the point of saying sorry? Why feel bad if your the one out having the great time? If anyone should feel bad, I should. I should feel sorry for myself. I’m not cool enough or fun enough to hang out with my friends. I should feel sorry that I don’t have enough friends. Actually maybe I don’t exactly know what I feel so sorry for myself for…or if I have a good reason at all I just know that there is a reason within myself that I should feel bad. I just wish I felt included and was the girl that was invited everywhere and that didn’t have to pretend over text that Its fine that you have plans and that I just lie that I can just find something “fun” to do or people to hang out with when in reality you were that last person to text because no one else was left in my contacts. For the past few days I’ve been getting myself ready looking really good with my makeup hoping that someone would ask me to hang out with them. But tonight I have the cutest outfit and I look so good only to be laying here In bed on tumblr telling all of you about how sad I am right now. It hurts to feel excluded and lonely all the time and have a drunk of a father and have my mom text me to tell me to clean up the bathroom floor because he peed everywhere. Its gross. edkjghskdljghpqiwruafjlskd I can’t even deal right now. This is what my life consists of. Its a cycle I can’t break. Theres nothing I can do about it. Unless someone on here has a solution for me, there isnt a god damn thing I can do. All I feel right now is the weight of a bowling ball in my stomach, heavy with heartache. I can’t take it anymore. As far as I know, unless someone were to reblog this…which is doubtful because no one cares to read about my life…I’m the only one and I’m alone and no one else feels the way I do. I pray to god that he’ll carry me through this. Thats all I can say for now. 

-Shea xoxo

Sometimes people need to get in pain just to see how life really is. Yes we all can be heartbroken and you can keep on falling down. But you need to move forward, life is full ups and downs. When something happens in your life you need to learn to move on. Just like you were a child, when you fell you learned to stand up. You don’t have to keep on lying down. You need to move on and accept the fact that the person doesn’t love you anymore. If the person did love you in the first place he wouldn’t do things to hurt you, if he did love you he wouldn’t said I don’t love you.

A person that loves you in the first place will fight for every second even if gets hard between them. A person who is willing to fight for you, do everything for you is a person who does love you. You can’t just give up your life because a person doesn’t love you. Sometimes people leave you, but it’s for your own good. Don’t chase after these people, when things are done they are done. And it’s even better, they give you a chance to meet someone better. Believe me you will get through this, even if it will be days, weeks, years. You will get through this. Let it go. Keep your head up and keep on smiling.

Yes, I am absolutely heart broken, but I can’t just let myself down. I can’t let people around me walk away from me because I’m sad. I moving forward, it’s hard but I can. People always leave, even if you try your best to keep them. But if they want to leave let them. Just know that you tried your best, that you did everything that you could. Even if you are crying every night because you miss that person I know you will get over it. Life is complicated but that’s how it works. 

Remember Stay Positive. No matter what, move on. It’s just a chapter in the past, but don’t close the book just turn the page. 

Stop right there. Think about this. What are the things in your life that you have, that make you genuinely happy and just a lucky person? People forget all the time how lucky they are to have what they do. I’m fortunate to have a illegitimate best friend. It’s something that alot of people want these days, not many people can say that they are satisfied with their friendships. I thankfully can say I have a trustworthy, genuinely kind, and wonderful best friend that I know I can always count on. I have the most wonderful mother who always is looking out for me and checking on me to make sure I’m doing what I’m suppose to in school. Honestly..If she didn’t…I wouldnt be where I am right now. My sister and I are increadibly close and have a great relationship. I live across the street from my best friend who I’ve known for 10 years, and I know she’d always be there for me if I needed her. When you’re down you don’t really think about these things. But if you took the time right now to make a list of things that are wonderful about your life…whenever you feel that way you can just go and look at it. Make a box of all the good things and if you write one thing down everyday, even a memory…they’ll be plenty of reasons to smile again. Don’t forget that you’re much luckier than you believe you are.